A hearty stay, where tears fade...

It is funny why I enjoy chatting with ah gong and ah ma and even sam's auntie so much compared to her.. nvm..

When I was chatting with ah gong and ah ma.. it almost felt like i was chatting with my very own ah ma and also, my dad.. 3 days from now.. and it'd be one yr since he last chatted with me.. and asked me to slp early whilst he goes to work just like any other time.. but this time, he never came back... :'(

Anyway, I wished so much I have endless time to chat with ah gong and ah ma.. no matter how tired I was the whole day.. I just tried so hard to find topics to chat with them and have good laugh with them.. I wish.. I was able to chat like that with dad.. and ah ma.. instead of taking them for granted in the numerous ways many youngsters do...

If given a chance, I'd buy them breakfast lunch dinner supper.. watch tv with them.. chat with them non stop and hear their stupid endless ramblings of silly nothingness.. It is pure bliss..

No one saw but I shed tears thrice throughout the day.. I can't help but miss my dad so much.. I always tell them its bullshit that our family wasn't allowed to go visit my dad's urn.. but deep inside I was actually kinda glad.. because I don't know how to handle my own emotions.. let alone see my mum breakdown into crying madness and start talking abt the good old days.

I feel so weak and powerless..

If I have to pinpoint 1 of the few things to be stressed abt.. Its this.
I miss him so much.. yet I can't bring myself to do anything.. I fear, the tears and uncontrollable emotions. :'(

Everytime I imagined dad on the hospital bed just before he passed away.. I'd breakdown.. He was.. so strong.. so fit.. so functional and everything.. and life has to end just before i could bring him to some sort of holiday that i planned for after truly being able to work and save up some money.

HE SURVIVED THE THROAT CANCER BUT WHY NOT THE FUCKING FEVER?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!!!!

FUCK THE PNEUMONIA.

I ride so hard yesterday by myself because I miss seeing my dad riding his bicycle..

Why do I wanna do triathlon?

I want to be like him...

I want to ride a bike just like he did til old..

I want to swim in the sea just like how he did when he was a fisherman's son.. he always boast how well he can dive and swim at age 18..

I want to run because he was the fastest runner in kampung.

-------------------------

I just wish...

We had more time....

Tearful,
Sinner.